10. I need this to mean something

While I sit here in the computer lab on a Saturday night, I question myself, my motives, my life, and my future. Just coming from an all-day cookout that most of my friends attended I realized that some things are really actually easier said than done. It’s much easier to say that I need to do work than to actually do it.  As I left the function I received the common slew of questions they always ask when I leave early or don’t attend certain events altogether: Why aren’t you coming? How come you spend all this time in the library/lab? Another project? Why do you always choose homework over hanging?

Usually those questions roll off my back like water on a duck but this time… Why am I here doing this?! I just want to relax and do hoodrat things with my friends. Every week there is always some big thing to do or some deadline to meet. WHY is it so hard for my social, educational, and professional life to coexist without one element suffering?

Luckily my chat with my friend, Eli has been on repeat ever since we had it yesterday. THIS RIGHT HERE. THIS MOMENT. THESE TASKS. THE LATE NIGHTS. EARLY MORNINGS. UNWILLING COMMITMENT TO PROJECTS . EVERYTHING I’M SUBSTITUTING FOR MY SOCIAL CALENDAR. All of the things that are currently consuming my life without my permission are eventually going to lead to something. What it is, I do not know but I have the feeling it’s gonna be worth it and it’s the fear that keeps me moving towards that.  In the short-term if I do not do what I need to do I will fail out of college. The long-term fears consists of the thought that I will one day  wake up  and realize that I did nothing and in return I am nothing. That is was scares and drives me the most. Truth be told, it scares me like hell.  I need what I am currently doing to mean something.

So from here on out I pledge to myself to

  • Not complete my work as a means to an ends but so the end can mean something
  • Extinguish the doubts that say you will be nothing.
  • Fight tooth and nail for a better future despite my current situations
  • Look at each sucky situation as a necessary growing pain 
  • Make my norm normal by surrounding myself with more late night owls like me
  • Thank God for these difficult but yet beneficial “burdens” every chance I get.
  • Also thank Eli ten years from today when I can look back at now with a smile.