My life is at pretty good place right now so I guess this would be a great time to cue every single memory of my past that reminds me how imperfect I am right? Why is that? Why is it that when good things are finally coming your way the need-to-be-forgotten things have a way of popping up like unwanted acne?
It’s like, “Hey remember that time you drank in college? Oh! don’t forget the time you totally stole fifty dollars from you grandma when she wasn’t looking. Oh my gosh, who can forget the time you and your boyfriend/girlfriend slept together even though you said you would wait? Good times right?! But not as good as that that Summer you spent smoking with your friend everyday after work- I don’t know how you will ever live that down. Basically, insert your mess-ups, mistakes, faults, slips, regrettable actions, and every wrong turn you have ever made here.
But seriously though, why is it that when we are starting to grow and change the past is always there to make us feel as though we are inadequate? I tell you this, you are not alone.
In the last year my life has changed so much. Although the changes happened gradually I now am able to look at them all in retrospect and see how monumental and life-changing they were. The way God has allowed me to grow has left me with a new sense of comfort and confidence in myself. Unfortunately, there was always that one voice in my head that said “Who are you to think you can just change like that? No one is ever going to believe you. Look at your past. What, you think you’re better than everyone now?”
If you’ve ever had anything similar happen to you, you know how daunting and depressing that voice can be. At first you want to believe it but you know what, DON’T.
You may have a past but your past does not have you.
The other day I was led to the story of Paul (AKA Saul, AKA the people-persecutor turned Jesus-lover) and in reading the story it didn’t give me the strength to fight my past like I hoped but it instead gave me the strength and grace to accept my it. The story also gave me the brightest hope and enduring assurance for my future.
For those of who you have not read Paul’s story (Romans 22), can I suggest you go and do it?! Although, just for today here is my Sparknotes version:
Paul actually used to be called Saul. Born a Jew and a Roman citizen, he had two names but when he converted to Christianity and began talking to gentiles he mainly used Paul. He figured it would be more fitting for his new vocation.
Paul used to persecute the same people whom he would later come to be part of. In fact, he was probably the best in the field of persecuting. It didn’t matter if it was a man, a woman, or a child, Paul would be there to point fingers at them for their Christianity and then have them arrested. One day Paul and his friends were on the way to Damascus to victimize more people and as they were traveling, out of the blue, God blinded him. No warning, no nothing, Paul’s sight was gone. God then told him to stop judging His people and told Paul that if he wanted his sight back he should in fact continue on his way to Damascus but to seek out a man named Ananias for help.
So Paul did and it was there that God spoke through Ananias that he had now been chosen to become a gospel-spreading, truth-telling believer. God had washed away Paul’s sins and given him a new future. Although Paul’s eyes were healed and his life had taken a turn for the better he still questioned and wondered how he would be received amongst those who knew his past. Fortunately enough, God reassured him that since He had called and cleansed Paul and made him new his past was no longer a hindrance.
Remember that for yourself, not one single person can hold your past against you because God has set you free! (Check out 2 Corinthians 5:17)
Later on, not only did God give Paul a heart of acceptance for his own past but He gave him a way to use it to his advantage. Because of how Paul was raised and the things he did he was able to use it to relate to the people and speak to them on their own level.
Of course there is a little more to the story but you get the point. Plus, it gives you more of a reason to go and read the story for yourself.
You see, your past will be with you always but it is not a burden to carry. Jesus’ death on the cross made sure of that. So when God leads you to a better future get it out of your mind that you are not worthy because you are! You deserve this! You deserve great things in your life because He loves you. And you know what? He didn’t choose to love you despite of your past, He chose to love you, past included. How blessed are we to know that He is not like us - He knows everything we’ve ever done and loves us anyway.
22 years. 264 months. 8,030 days. 192,720 hours. 11,563,200 minutes. 693, 792,000 seconds. Add all that up and you still couldn’t even come close to the number of ways my life has been blessed. I’m so extremely grateful for every moment that has led up to right here and now.
Although this life is solely mine to live, it is not solely mine to own. The thing is, I have felt the enormity of an undeserving, gracious love given to me by Jesus - I have the family, friends, and a life full of memories to prove it. However, it would be a little too selfish if I kept all that goodness to myself. While I cannot physically relive them all with you I made a list (as one does when something grand like a birthday comes along) that was inspired by all the things I’ve learned, experienced, and been blessed with over the years. I hope it finds and/or leaves you well.
Music of the Month
Music of The Month